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For a Nony over at the [community profile] cap_ironman  Comment Fic Fest. Prompt: Steve is writing up a report in MS Word. Tony is at a boring meeting. To distract himself, Tony uses Extremis to make the MS Word paperclip say inappropriate things.


Clippy Says, 'How You Doin'?'

Steve has seen the animated paperclip before when he’s been typing various things in the word processing program. He thought he’d turned it off but, mid writing, it pops up again. For being incredibly complex machines, computers are needlessly fickle…

But then he reads what the speech bubble says: ‘Hey there, good looking. Do you come here often?’

There are response buttons and everything. He’s so baffled that he clicks the ‘no’ button instead of the ‘cancel’ one.

‘Ooo, a newbie, huh? I’d love to show you what’s what. What do you say?’ the paperclip asks with a wink. An honest to god wink.

He clicks the ‘no’ button again.

‘Come on, honey, play with me.’

Steve thinks something is very wrong with the paperclip. He clicks ‘no’.

‘Party pooper. Come on, I’ll take real good care of you.’

“What…?” Steve mutters. He’s beginning to feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t have time to respond before the paperclip moves onto its next line.

‘I bet I could teach you all sorts of things you don’t know yet. How adventurous are you? Sexually, I mean?’ it asks, and the buttons have changed to represent a spectrum of ‘sexual experience’ from ‘I’m a pure choir boy’ to ‘I’ve done things in the bedroom that are illegal in three or more states’. There’s no ‘no’ or ‘cancel’ button and he has no idea how to make the paperclip go away.

This can’t be right. This program is supposed to be used by all ages, right? Kids use it to write up themes for school, don’t they? No way would it be made to sexually harass users…

He clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes; Tony. He keeps forgetting Tony can do just about anything with Extremis. He glares at the computer. Tony must be watching on one of the security cameras because the text in the speech bubble goes away, only to be replaced with, ‘Hi Steve. I’m bored, therefore you must entertain me.’

Tony,” he reprimands.

‘Meetings are boring, Steve. Pepper won’t let me leave,’ says the paperclip. Steve wonders if it’s his imagination, but it looks like the paperclip is pouting.

He quirks an unimpressed brow. “If there was a ‘go away’ button, I’d press it.”

‘Ouch, Steve. That cuts deep. I thought I was your BFF. Don’t you <3 me?’

“I have no idea what that means,” Steve says, clicking the ‘no’ button just because.

The paperclip’s eyes water.

“Um… Sorry?”

‘You owe me now. I’ll bring pizza and you’ll make up for your heartless rejection. FYI, if I don’t get to at least second base, you’re doing it wrong.’

Steve blinks; what on earth did he just get himself into? Well, at least the paperclip goes away and he can finish his typing…
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July 2011

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